for firsts, I don't usually come over here so I didn't know this was happening. For seconds....I wrote this in about 5 minutes so I probably didn't do any of the characters justice.
Scene: Conference room, Sy sitting at the head of the table
Sy: Ladies and gentlemen, you all know why I called you here today
Glenn: Um…actually, I’m not really sure what this is about.
Sy: You know…that thing I told you all to meet me in the conference room about
Glenn: I think I would have remembered you telling us.
Sy: I clearly did, I told you all why I wanted to meet here right now
Blake: I don’t know why we’re here either.
Owen: Yeah, me either.
Glenn: Why don’t you just tell us why we’re here because…
Sy (slams his hands down on the table): NO! That would be juxtapositional, and it would be like I was explaining it to someone sitting behind a fourth wall watching us like we’re all on some sick twisted TV show.
(all heads slowly pan to the camera)
Sy: Sorry, It’s just…I found out that the city commissioner for hospitals doesn’t like the idea that there’s two fully functioning children’s hospitals one block apart from each other. Never mind the realism behind who actually funds this hospital...I stayed up late last night trying to make sense of it myself
(cuts to sy playing x box)
Sy: **beast**, kid, you must be cheating.
Kid's voice in headseat: Nuh uh, you just **beast** old man
Sy: I'm gonna kill you
Kid: Haha! I just killed you again!
Sy: No for real I'm gonna come down and unplug you you brat
(back to conference room)
Blake: There’s what?
Glenn: The other children’s hospital, kid’s hospital, how have you never seen it on the drive to work
Owen: I’ve never heard of it
Sy: Oh for **beast**’s sake, that’s not the point. The point is, we’re 200 dollars over budget…and the city’s decided to revoke one of the licenses.
Valerie: oh no! Sy, what are we going to do? What are we going to do?!
Sy: Calm down, calm down…CALM THE HELL DOWN! Look, all we need to do is outperform kid’s hospital, and we win the certification. That…or we can cut the 200 dollars from your all’s salaries…
(choral) No!
Blake: I need that money!
Owen: How else am I gonna buy all those sports cars
Glenn: I’m Jewish!
Owen: and then run them into each other
Valerie: I have no understanding of the concept of money because of my boobs!
Owen: I’m irresponsible!
Sy: then it’s settled…we have to compete for this certification
Owen: I’m totally incompetent!
Sy: anyway…we’ve got this showdown we’re going to do with kids’ hospital. They’ve already got an advantage…their name is shorter…but we can win this
Valerie: What is it…a surgery-off! I got a kid we can slice up right now; I think it’s his leg or his kidney or something
Glenn: We could only be so lucky it’s a surgery-off. It’s probably a circumcision…you know…cause I’m Jewish
Sy: God, you are bringing that up a lot today. No folks…it’s been determined…now…I need the illest, most gangster person here.
(They all start to open their mouths)
Sy: And don’t say Dr. Brian
(They all sit back in their seats)
(Cut to a dark OR viewing room…Blake’s in a hoodie jogging in place with Glenn rubbing his shoulders)
Glenn: Alright, B, you got this. Just let the rhymes run off you like it’s blood and guts from some icky kids insides
Blake: I dunno, man…I don’t know…
Glenn: You got this. You got this…
(out in the floor, sy with his hair in dreads)
Sy: Our final battle…kids hospital, represented by the curer of the ill, the healer of the sick, and the smackin of his ho’s, Papa Doctor. (Papa Doctor walks out into stage)
Sy: And representing the ER, the insanest in the brain, you all know him from that one time he did that one thing that makes you think of the nickname rabbit….Blake!
(Boos from the crowd, a mismatched Blake stares up at the doctor, dressed in scrubs and a red lab coat with gang patches on it)
Sy: Intern…90 milligrams, spin that **beast**!
(intern in scrubs spins some records, the beat starts bumpin on some hospital equipment with a patient’s pulse providing the bass)
Papa Doctor: Aight…look
This guys a choke artist, someone give him the Heimlich
Looking at this guy’s face just really makes me sick
Standin up here thinkin that you’re cool
Let me tell you buster, you aint but a fool
Just some poser city clown who claims to have knowledge
Prolly never got laid while he was at clown college
Your face and your hair and your medicines garbage
The way you do medicine’s probably like goldilocks and her porridge
One’s too hot, and one’s too cold
I bet the last laugh you got was at, not with you, ass hole
So you think you’re healing children, well boy, here’s a message
Kids hospital’s gonna stomp your patients into their graves, that’s impressive
So you’ll think you got schooled, you think you got robbed
Just don’t even bother turnin in a resume lookin for a job.
(tosses mic at blake)
Sy: Ohhhh…..Blake…b….my boy…what you gonna do! Intern, resuscitate that patient…90 CC’s…hit it
Blake: (blank stare into the crowd)
Crowd: Choke! Choke! Choke! Choke! (blake looks and sees his crew chanting too and mouths (what the fuuuuuudge!?), and a guy starts choking on a hotdog)
Blake: Uh…
Papa Doctor: Man, you a fool.
Blake: (cages his eyes, and then everything goes silent in his mind…imagines a happy place where he’s frolicking through a field with kids on beds, making them laugh and them magically being healed…he smiles)
Blake:
(plain speak) Wait…what was that…could you say that again?
(starts rapping) I didn’t expect doogie howser when they said the doctor was in
You think I was just gonna let you kids hospital jerks win
Man, I’m gonna kill you all with rhymes and revive you just to do it again
Cause I know I’m a clown
I know I’m a bum
I live in an apartment, there’s a whole bunch of us
And I lose 7-8 patients sometimes every month
And sometimes when it rains my makeup starts to run
And I’m friends with a jewish, a black guy, and a woman doctor too
Who call me names and make fun of me to my face, what they do
But I know something about you
You went to college? Yeah, to dentist school
You’re not a real doctor, you’re just some tooth prodding monster
You couldn’t hop someone on nitrous and cure them with laughter
And all your patients are ugly and stupid and lame
and I know you look in their mouth holes and you feel the same
thinkin one floss
two floss
three to the brush
saying use your toothpaste, once a day’s not enough
An I bet you don’t know how goldilocks ends
Well in this version I’m the bear and I tear you to pieces and just eviscerate your body and then we take it to our hospital to try and save you but you’re not a child so we don’t because that’s the law!
(beat stops, blake goes over to patient, gives him CPR, beat starts manually)
Forget the beat, I’ll go save him with my hands
Papa Doctor, you’re a Crockter, and kid’s hospital’s just a trailer,
You know what, keep your budget if you doubt me, fire my butt and don’t give a crap about me
Take my pension my car, forget medicine, I’m outtie. Now try and tell these people something they don’t know about me…
Except about my sex life, that’s pretty personal.
(riotous applause)
Administrator: I unanimously declare…children’s hospital the winner!
Blake: well, that was pretty quick…you didn’t even put it to a vote.
Administrator: Well, the chief surgeon at kids hospital’s been sleeping with my **beast** wife. This just seemed like the right thing to do.
(the gang gets together, and then they cut away with their hands in the air like at the end of the breakfast club or something…it’s an 11 minute show no real time for an ending)
Tramps like us...baby we were Born to Run
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