[note: I thought this was worthy of its own thread, so I split this post off of the wiki submission topic. --itsa]
FREE EAGLEHEART IDEA
To whom ever it may concern,
(sorry, I’ve always wanted to do that, and I really have no idea where to direct this)
Alright, so this is a freebie. Take it or leave it. I figured I’d donate this idea to help resuscitate Chris Elliot’s (former)corpse / (present) zombie of a career. Just kidding. I still watch Cabin Boy every couple of months and giggle the whole way through, and he was like, friggin’ astoundingly hilarious in Scary Movie 2, and a legend on SNL. In fact, I take it all back. If you use this idea… could I maybe get a signed picture of him in SC2 with the inscription: take my little hand!. That would be so cool. Anyways, enough day dreaming and back to the task at hand… my day dreamings. [Shut up! I m speshul n my mom says I’m hansome.]
Okay, I’m not making up a villain or a crime; that‘s for y’all to do. My portion of the story comes in after their first encounter and the villain has left our hero to die in the desert. He has wandered for days with no food or water he is destitute and munsoned (wait, what). He collapses due to the fatigue of dehydration and heat exhaustion.
On his knee’s he begs,“ Please, please god.” As he begins to crumble to the ground again he says: “Pretty please?” He hit’s the ground. He lays there for a second or two and says in a labored whisper with his eyes only slightly open,“ God… what’s your friggin’ problem?” His eyes close. Appearing either, off in the distance (silhouette shot) or up close up, but only showing the legs, or legs and torso of a native American *whilst *(sorry again, I’ve always wanted to do that one too) playing some type of Native American-styled *1music. *1(with the exception of Enya’s Return to Innocence)
Commercial: Let’s use this time deficiently, I mean efficiently. Shall we?
You like this idea! You like this idea! You like this idea! You like this idea…. Wait, what? no no no! “Dash it all!” (**beast** right that was a Sword in the Stone quote / reference. The cartoon of course.) You’re supposed to be saying: I like this idea! I like this idea! I like this idea! I like this idea.
If there’s anything to be learned from television and all the other major media outlets, it is certainly that the masses are willingly be hypnotized through repetition and thus forfeiting a chance at having any real life. Now that’s american with a capital A! M’kay, now back to our regular broadcast already in progress.
*1 Not joking about the Enya. Defy this one wish, and I will find those responsible for such an imputable act and make them pay, and how they will pay. BWAH-HA-HA-HAA Anywho:
Our hero awakens in a teepee inhabited only by himself , an elderly looking native american, and… He sits up for a closer look at what he sees, and it’s a squirrel... with antlers, and googley crossed eyes. “what the hell is that thing!”, shouts our hero. “Oh, that’s just Perry. He is a part of nature like you or I, and therefore a friend.”, replies the Indian. “What’s with the antler’s?! I’ve never seen a squirrel with antlers?”, he asks? The Indian replies, “oh, those. They’re not real.”, and then leans closer as if to keep the squirrel from hearing his next comment, “he is what we call: one who crosses many dresses, but that’s his thing.”
Our hero enquires next about the rodent’s unruly eyes. To which the Indian replies, “they are stuck like that permanently. He made that face for too long as a child, and well… you know the story, but never mention it to him. It makes him very cross.”
After familiarizing himself with his surroundings enough to satiate his interest / curiosity he asks, “ what happened?”. To which the Indian replies, “ I found you beaten, bloodied, and very near death. Your enemy had all but killed you, and this is because you are not one with nature. I can show you how to call upon the birds and creatures of the air to help defeat your enemies and win the battle. They will dive and swoop at them pecking and tearing at your enemy’s flesh as if they were their favorite prey… and they hadn’t eaten in like a really long time, or something. Like, maybe they had eaten recently, but it was a small meal, or perhaps it was a big meal and they have a very high metabolism, but who’s to say…”, says the Indian, who is then cut off by our hero who complains, “alright! Enough talky talk ! Time for you to teach me this tricky trick.” He gets up out of bed and steps out the teepee and into the light.
Okay, this scene is very short. It consists of a small montage of the Indian training our (anti) hero, Chris Mansanto, which is set to more native american style music. (Again, I reiterate, if you use that enya song I will find you, and oh the horrors that await you. I will find those in trespass and “ where we’re going we won’t need eyes” {**beast** right that’s an “event horizon” reference / quote, cause that’s what your life is gonna be like if you use that godforsaken song. A spaceship from hell, is that what you really want? I didn’t think so. Okay, enough with the threats I can’t possibly follow through on, but boy they’re fun to make, and think about… if you could send a spaceship to hell… and bring it back inhabited by demons… and put a bunch of people you hate in it… everybody’s gotta have dreams I guess.) This is followed by a brief farewell which leaves our hero in tears. Of course when I say tears I mean a flood that leaves a puddle in his wake.
“Put a smiley face cause **beast** love smiley faces.” (Boondocks), and I feel like I’m making this letter my **beast** so… what? To early to tell you think.?! Well, I’m gonna call you negative nancy till this over. K, Nance? Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted by your doubting ways, I was saying:
Then our hero sets out to find “the villain that got away”. Good title for an episode, huh? Like “the one that got away”, get it? Terrible you say?! It’s plenty clever enough. Why am I wasting my time? Besides, I just asked my mom n she said it’s a *snazzy title. *(snazzy- old people speak for cool and / or stlylish. Ex: I got the scoop on where to get those snazzy new style pantaloons with the bell-ish bottoms that the thyne sister woreth last fortnight...eth.) Just listen to the rest of the story and then you can go change your tampon, get the sand out of your **beast** ,etc, etc, etc. Kay, nance. J This one’s for you!!!
So our hero’s caught up to the villain and his posse, but first he has to face his henchmen.
First guy is typical looking criminal, and our hero calls out: tweet tweet tweet. A finch or a swallow swoops down and pecks at the bad guy, but to no avail. Our hero sees this, and attempts to help the bird, but in throwing a punch he nails the bird and it just explodes. Feathers and blood everywhere, but a side affect is: The bad guy is momentarily blinded. Which our hero uses to his advantage by throwing one of those comically ineffective looking death punches that just floors the guy, but I think it would be funniest if when he hits the bird it was like a real-time punch with a squawk effect almost in unison, but slightly before the explosion/splattering/poof (feathers).
He goes through several more enemies as he uses different birds and their corresponding calls. Examples: First bad guy bird: on my list would be a robin with an explosion containing red feathers. Second bad guy bird: a blue jay; explosion containing,, you guessed it, blue feathers. Then you show two guys at once: he does both calls. Blue and red feathers everywhere!!! Next you show one guy who’s slightly larger than the ones he’s faced thus far. He does a call, followed by: “Polly want a cracker?”, and a multi-colored parrot dives out the sky, only to say: “Raww! Hello!” just before he’s blown to smithereens by yet another of Chris Mansanto’s death blows. Multi-colored feathers and blood erywhere foo. Reprezent!
He’s almost done, and there are only 3 left (one a boxer, the other a giant body builder, and last but not least: tiger woods’s ex with the nine iron.) “I see they’ve saved the best for last. Well, I hope you’re ready to dance, cause I’ve won a lot of dancin’ contests. So many, in fact, I now give lessons on the side… in the art… of dancing‘. Hope you’re ready for your lesson, cause here it comes. Free of charge. A dancing‘ lesson”, he says as he pulls a bandana size american flag out from his hat, and making a call. An American Bald Eagle swoops down, and our hero directs it to straight into the boxer’s head; impaling his head from front to back. He repeats the call, and another eagle swoops down to his aid, but the body builder protects his face with his hands. No matter, our apt hero directs him to the bad guy’s un-guarded chest, and it impales him. He does the call and a third eagle swoops down to help, but tiger wood’s wife hits it before it’s attack can be initiated with her golf club, and it explodes… blinding her… with blood n feathers… duh. Then he hits her and she explodes. I would like to point out that this is the first ‘person’ I’ve exploded in this version, but I’m pretty predictable, huh, yeah, but people are dumb n like that **beast**e. Look at me. I’m your target audience personified.
Now on to the big boss, and after some dialogue y’all can think up, cause I’m tired of spoon-feeding you this drivel, ummmm, I mean comedy gold, which will be as ageless and timeless as the adult swim programs we already enjoy. J That one’s for me. After words are exchanged between nemeses we cut back to the Indian and Chris.
The Indian says, “you must learn one more call to complete your training, but you must never use it, for the creature you will summon is the only of it’s kind. A precious and wondrous animal who’s secret is to be guarded with our lives as we are the only ones who can draw it out of hiding, thus putting it in harm’s way.” Scene cuts back to the two opposing men, and our hero whispers, “desperate times call for desperate measures” , and sings twice softly, “you gotta know when to hold‘em, know when to fold‘em.”. Then he let’s out a prehistoric screech, and a pterodactyl swoops down, and of course he demolishes it to serve his purpose, oh, so nobly. He then proceeds to arrest the bad guy, now incapacitated and blinded by pterodactyl entrails, and as he’s got him cuffed and walking him where ever, pan out to expose the full carnage in all it’s spent glory.
Total rip off of yall’s formula, I now realize, but with an original spin. So sue me for all the money I‘ll never make off this.
Credits: during the credits it would be cool to do one of those still shot pieces as the Indian music plays. First a picture of our hero viewing the carnage. Next pic is a headshot of him with a thought bubble with a little nest with baby eagles in it, and he has tears in his eyes. Third pic is him climbing a ladder up a tree. Fourth is him with a grin ear to ear ,as he cradles the precious eggs in their nest, atop the ladder. In the next pic it’s obvious the ladder has tipped backwards and our hero’s falling, but still trying to protect the nest. No more grin. Just frowny face. In the sixth pic he is on the ground with the ladder on top of him, but in his vertical arms, unharmed, rests the nest.
The seventh pic will show him taking the nest in his house. The eighth will show him cracking them open. In the ninth picture he’s cooking the eggs. Sunny side up, of course. Then the music cuts off, and he’s taking his eggs outside for an al dente dining experience, and what’s this he’s sitting down next to, But a spit with 3 eagles suspended over the roaring flame. He turns them to assure they’re cooking evenly as he inhales their scent deeply with tightly shut eyes as if to enhance his ability to savor the smell. Opening his eyes, he lets out a sigh, looks down at his plate, and says: “America”. After the last credit is ran show Perry amongst the carnage munching on the pterodactyl, and he looks up like he’s staring through the TV at the viewer.
Now you can mix n match, pick and choose, whatever it is, you will or won’t use, but if you do. I want my picture foo, and I pitty the foo… Whatever. You know that old saying about buying a cow. I got lots o milk to give, but everyone knows not to fuuuuuudge the cow. Things just get awkward, and the next thing you know the cow is mad cause you didn’t call him at work to ask him how he was feeling the day after, and now you have a mad cow on your hands. Avery grave situation indeed.
fin
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