Family Guy

[R.I.P.Krioni]

can't remember exact words

Tom Tucker: Local business man Mr. Weed dies today after choking on a biscuit while eating dinner at an employee's house. Police find no fault with the employee's family however the buscuit was taken into custody.
[switches to police lineup with a biscuit on a stool]

[R.I.P.Canis_lupus]

Quagmire walks into the bathroom stall: "Dear Diary, Jackpot!"

[R.I.P.jedimaster]

mine is "how about you burn in hell"
by stewey.

[R.I.P.TheDrizzle66]

Who doesn't love Family Guy? Here's some of my favorite quotes:
_________________________________
Peter: Is this really the Blood of ####?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Whoa, that guy must have been wasted all the time!
_________________________________
Peter: I've been watching TV so long, the shows are starting to run together...
Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street!
Bert: Hello? ####. I'm on my way.....Some poor #### got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the #### BED!!!!!!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.
__________________________________
Meg: Excuse me, Mayor West?
Adam West: How do you know my language?
Meg: Listen to me, my entire future is in your hands!
Adam West: Are you Sarah Connor?
Doctor: Well, Mrs. Griffin, it's a baby boy. Wait... what's this? There's something else in there!
Lois: Oh my God, twins!
Doctor: No, it's... it's a map of Europe!
(Newborn Stewie's eyes narrow into slits)
___________________________________
Peter - We've made Sex Ed more enjoyable!
:pens door to classroom and it's a total spoof of Schoolhouse Rock::
Chorus Line: #### Junction, what's your function?
Man: Takin' in sperrrrm and spittin' out babies!
____________________________________
Peter: I'm looking for a book about potty training for kids.
Clerk: Well, there's the ever popular "Everybody Poops." And the slightly less popular "Nobody Poops But You."
Peter: Well...we're Catholic, so...
Clerk: I see, then you want "You're Awful, and That's Concentrated Evil Coming Out Your Backside".

[R.I.P.VanFanel]

i have a few quotes
1. quagmire " alright" whats not to love about a sex perv right?
2. stewie " #### you broccoli!"
3. quagmire " hey meg 18 yet?"

[R.I.P.Kanzel]

I've got a bunch of favorites, but I can't remember exactly what they said.

The one where evryone is gasping and that guy passes out, and the docter syas he's gasped himself out.

The episode where Louis and that other person are saying "oh no!" And the Koolaid guy busted through the wall and said "oh yeah!"

This one isn't a quote, but I like the episode where Peter gets into a fight with the guy in the chicken suit that gave him a bad coupon.
______

Ompa Lompa's: Ompa, Lompa *kicks Peter in the knee*

Peter: Ooww......*hisses* ow.............Hisses again* ow.....
______

The one when Howie Mandel (sp?) comes in and tries to blow up a surgical glove and passes out. Had me cracking up.

There are many more of course. But I can't remember them.

[jcgerard]

(Chris is doing something, then he breaks a vase.)

Lois: CHRIS! Peter, spank him! (she goes upstairs)

Peter: I'm watching the game, so you know what to do.

Chris (pulls down pants in front of TV, starts spanking himself): OW! OW! OW! OW! This is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you. OW!

[vash2289]

Uh-Uh-Uh
Can't touch me
Can't touch me
J-J-J-J-Just like the bad guy
From Lethal Weapon Two
I've got diplomatic immunity
So Hammer you can't sue

I can write graffiti
Even jaywalk in the street
I can riot, loot
Not give a hoot
And touch your sister's teet
Can't touch me

Adam West: What in God's name is he doing?
Cleveland: I belive that's the worm

Now stop!
Peter time
I'm a big shot
There's no doubt
Light a fire
Then pee it out
Don't like it
Kiss my rump
Just for a minute
Let's all do the bump

Can't touch me
Yeah, do the Peter Griffin bump
Can't touch me

I'm presidential Peter
Interns think I'm hot
Don't care if your handicapped
I'll still park in your spot
I've been around the world
From Hartford to Back Bay
It's Pter, go, Peter, MC Peter, yo, Peter
Let's see Regis rap this way
Can't touch me
------------------------------------------------------------
Peter: Gee, Cleveland that must have set you back, huh. What'd you do? SEll your body to science? Because I thought of doing that.
CLASSROOM SCENE
Teacher: All right, Jenny, would you come up here and show us where the femur is? (Jenny walks up to Pter's skeleton and begins to point)
Peter's Skeleton: AAAAAAAAAAAHHH
Jenny: EEEEEEEEE(runs off)
Peter's Skeleton:Ehehehehehe. Yea, get outta here a little ####. I knew this was the right thing to do.

[vash2289]

It's actually "You're a sucker for a girl with BLUE eyes."

[R.I.P.sangoUgo]

Lois --- "ME LIKEY BOUNCEY, ME LIKEY BOUNCEY!!"

(Lois and Peter are being mugged in their car.)
Lois -- Peter, do something!
Peter -- Thx for the ride, lady (gets out of the car and walks away.)

[R.I.P.00kuroneko00]

Peter: "Hey, did you hear when i farted?"

This one was in the episode about the play, The King and I.

[R.I.P.demycell]

does anyone know what stewie said in mtv preshow thingy for the video music awards about eminem and 50 cent

[MegaFo]

oh man...so many...try to get some that weren't mentioned.

Meg: Mayor West?
Adam West: How do you know my language?

Peter: I've been around the world from Hartford to Bangbay. It's Peter. Go Peter. I'm so Peter. Yo Peter. Lets see Regis rap this way. Can't touch me.

Chris: They have this game where you put in a dollar, and you win four quarters. I win everytime.

Butlers, Maids, and Peter: Now that your filthy rich, we'll gladly be your ####. My God this how is freakin' sweet.

Peter: y..2..k? #### what are you selling, chicken or sex jelly?

Peter: Nooooooo!...Silly rabbit. Trix are for kids. #### long ears trying to steal Easter away from ####.

Stewie: You! Bring me the Wall Street Journal. You two! Fight to the death.

Stewie: How ironic. Roger. Almost rhymes with eliminate.

Cleveland Jr.: I'm Tiger Woods. I'm Tiger Woods. I'm Tiger Woods.

Social Worker: Hello.
Quagmire: Hey get the hell of my lawn. Well hello lips, legs, breasts, and ####.
Social Worker: Yes, I was hoping I could ask you about your neighbors the Griffins.
Quagmire: The Griffins? Buncha card carrying commies, yuh ask me. Heh, heh, alright. No no its not alright.

Social Worker: Mmm. Glen honey, I have a question for you. What do you do for a living?
Quagmire: Heh. Hey, I have a question for you too. Why are you still here?

Quagmire: Now that's a woman. That's a house. That's a fish. That's a bee!

Peter: Ok, how many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to #### in a lightbulb? Ok, one dirty stinkin' ape to #### in the lightbulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw feases at each other.

Stewie: Oh yes, I'm just cookoo for crack.

Brian: This guide isn't complete.
German Tour Guide: Yes it is.
Brian: What about the years between 1939 and 1945
German Tour Guide: Everyone was on vacation.
Brian: No, in 1939 Nazi Germany invaded Poland.
German Tour Guide: We were invited, punch was served.

...that's enough for now..

[Sango007]

I'm not sure what he said before but

Quagmire: *standing buy and open window naked and the window closes on his private part* AHHHHHHH!!!

*calls someone*

Quagmire: Hello? Yea...Its stuck in a window this time.

LOL CLASSIC!

[R.I.P.IxMiAMixI]

My fave quotes:
from the episode where peter becomes a jouster..
Stewie "Hey.. How u hanging big guy? Hmm? U alrite? u want a soda? Hmm..#### it i tried!"

Wen they saw the girl on the horse...
Everyone was in there knight suits..
*ding*ding*ding* theres a pause..
The nerdy dude.. i think his name is mort: "Ding."

from the episode where chris gets a job as a paper boy
The old guy: "U like popsicles?"
Chris: "Yea, who doesn't?"
The old guy: "Well u need to come down to my cellar. I gotta whole bunch a popsicles.."
Chris: "Thats ok.. I gotta get going.."
The old guy: "Come on, dont make me beg.."
Chris: "HAHAHA ur funny" He rides away
The old guy: "Get ur fat #### back here!" HAHAHAHAHA it went sumthin like that..that was great!

[R.I.P.LandosCool42]

my favorite family guy quote isnt a qoute but when peter goes to the womens retreat and comes back lady like and picks stewy up and pulls down his shirt and stewy starts to #### his breast and then looks up and cowers in disgust.
thank you geritol

[R.I.P.EvilFurby]

My favorite is from the jousting episode, when the "fair maiden" says... "whilst thou take a gander under my frock?" and peter shoves a frickin goose in her pants HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[R.I.P.PsYcHoSiS]

'Oh, Peter, isn't this beutiful?'
'eh, about 5:30'
and also when peter gets that marrage saving video and takes it upstairs and shuts the door. louis opens the door and hes naked
'THIS IS THE PART FOR THE MEN GET OUT'
and who can forget
'AALLLLLLLRIGHT, GIGIDY GIGIDY GIGIDY'

[R.I.P.BuzzSpendus]

Peter: Lois have you seen the.... <crashes through stairs> OH GOD I'M STUCK IN THE STAIRS.

[R.I.P.3MTA3]

Stewie ......
" I'm gonna go to Cally-Forn-ni-A and wragle me a three way with those Olson Twins" "

Or.....
Stewie " What is that God-like melody ? "
Old guy" That's a banjo, son. "
Stewie plucks a string
Stewie " Ohhh ! How delicoiusly white trash ! Mommy, Mommy ...I want a mullet. "

Lois " I'm not wearing any panites "
Peter " That's OK. We'll throw out the chair. "

[IssueMonkey]

The one where Chris is trying to lose weight, and Peter uses a twinkie to motivate him.

Chris (to twinkie): "I'm gonna turn you into poo."
---------------------------------------------------
Man (to peter @ pool): "sir, you can't park your car there." (on diving board)

Lois: "That's not our car, that's our son!"

Man (to friend): "It' not a car, it's just a FAT kid."

[R.I.P.Link13]

A few I missed

Peter: Brain, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO"!

Brain: Peter, those are Cheerios
__________________________________________________________

Stewie: Mother, I come baring a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

Lois: Meg, can you change Stewie?

MegFine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.


Edited 9/16/2003 3:57:24 PM ET by Link13

[R.I.P.Artemis2]

Qaugmire: Hey honey! How 'bout turning around and showing me the lower east side? Heh.

Transvestite: Sure.

Quagmire: Whoa! Transvetite back off! Wait a sec. Pre-op or post-op?

Transvetite: Pre-op.

Quagmire: Whoa! Transvetite back off!

Edited 9/16/2003 4:30:58 PM ET by Artemis2

[R.I.P.ash117]

A few of my favorites:

(peter is trying to convince some guy that chris is sick)
Peter: See look. He's sprouting nipples everywhere.
(he lifts chris' shirt and there are peperoni slices all over him. Peter pulls one of and eats it.)
Peter: Nipples shouldn't just come off like that.


Peter: That's it, I'm going on a hunger strike right now!...Are you gonna eat that stapler?
Guy: Sir, you cant eat a-
Peter: waaaanna split it?


when peter has the birds in his beard:
Peter: these three chicks are like my own three children!
(He looks at the first chick, and stewie's face appears, he looks at the second one and chris' head appears. He gets to the third on
Peter:And uhh...ummm
(Boba Fett's face appears)
Peter: sweet.

[R.I.P.Buddah2372]

my fav quote is when deaths mom and death

death's mom: dont forget to put your sunscreen on!"

death: I dont got any skin!

Death's mom: Its cause you didnt eat your beans!