We gather here tonight [or not, it's the internet after all] not to bury BumpMaster3000 but to send him off. Preferrably after tying his butt to his computer chair and making him put in a full day's work for once but we can't all get what we want. Plus he might like it and that would be a whole new set of issues for future therapy and / or scandalous drugstore novel.
There's never been a BumpMaster3000 Awareness Day, mainly because Stranger Danger lectures end in elementary school and for everything else there's "America's Most Wanted" . But for those that may have been too hopped up on cookies to remember the lectures and never connected-the-dots between that shadow running in the spotlight and the black-n-white blur of text every night, BumpMaster3000 once held the title of Senior Bump Writer at WS / [as] . He promptly folded it into a little football shape and flicked it for distance but the fact remains that he did hold it.
A bright-eyed little misanthrope, he got his first taste of tv as Gary Coleman's stunt double in the bike shop episode. From that point on his destiny was clear - cartoons it was! But first an intermission because he wasn't two-dimensional enough to be an add-on character in "The Super Mario Show" and didn't have girlish enough pipes to be a back-up singer in "Jem and the Holograms" .
Funny thing about marinating in your dream - eventually something takes root and sprouts. For most frat-boys-in-training, that's usually mold. But not this time. In 2003, the future BM3K attempted to hit on a chick at a shoe store by offering to sharpen her golf cleets with his wit. That "chick" was Lazzo. Luckily for him, Lazzo thought he was being funny and that's how you get in on the ground floor of a little pirate operation that would soon come to be part and parcel of pop culture for a decade, writing quick and crazy blips of black-n-whites that informed, insulted, mostly insulted for the tween times in the block that would be pinched and used by commercials and other channels in an attempt to "be cool" but naturally failing because they lacked that one thing. BM3K didn't do his weird wiggle-roll on the final scripts before they were offiically entered into the matrix for optical consumptions. Try getting that image out of your mind the next time you see a classic bump run.
It's taken about nine years for him to get off the Hamster wheel. In that time, he's seen a whole lot of people come and go and crabbed at even more by virtue of the interwebs and tv. He's been the guardian of the Men's Toilets and paid for that olfactorially. Mysteriously that particular culprit was never officially caught. He's been to Comic*Con and then not been. There's a picture somewhere that shows why and perhaps I'll link it in a moment. And he's made Sasquatch look like an over-photographed celebrity with his slink and veers in webcam country. Even candy doesn't seem to get him to linger long enough for his image to be captured digitally. And through all this, he is still a fetus. Ya fetus.
I could turn this into a horrible impression of the Oscars by continuing on and on. But then I'd probably end up getting nominated for a political office. So I'll end it with this knowing that you got bored less than halfway through the first sentence and I could get away with posting almost anything here and you wouldn't know it until someone gave you the Cliff Notes version. Thanks for the memories, dude. You were the first person on this entire site who actually replied to me when I first started to post and you were an IMPORTANT level person too, not just another user who may or may not have been posting to gain a few weird seconds of tv fame. And now, you are the last Insider / Admin person to leave that I had got up the nerve to friendy on that Fan Collective thingus. I wish you well in your future endeavors knowing that since you had turned into a world-class lurker in the past few years when you needed to be on the boards, you'll likely never post around again now that there's zero obligation to even visit.
And to delete that uncharacteristically blunt level of almost-emotion in case you actually DID read all the way through, you are still a fetus. And I can't believe you fubarred the release date for "Baby Got Back" . And yes, you can blush! So there! 
Couple of favorites from the way back time -
Pimpin'
Reason he isn't allowed at Comic*Con anymore
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