The Swim Archive

[Glitch]

Peter Griffin-----
Bender----------- ----------
---------
Fry------------- ----------
HomerSimpson------ -------------
----------
Frylok------ ---------
Quagmire------ ----------


Who would win in this tournament in a fight to the death? Describe how each character would kill every other character and who would be the winner of this dark tournament of comedy!!!

Sorry about that... i thought about adding more then i got lazy... forgot to erase his name.

Edited 6/24/2003 8:45:30 PM ET by Glitch

[GQ37]

So.......................
Stewie gets a first round bye then? Ok...? Here we go.

1st round:
Peter v. Bender
Bender challenges Peter to a drinking contest and Peter drinks himself into a coma from which he never awakens.
Winner: Bender

Fry v. Homer
Homer uses the training he learned in the Navy and bodyguard school to snap Fry's scrawny neck like a twig. Then to add insult to injury he starts thinking of donuts and eats fry by mistake.
Winner: Homer

Frylock v. Quagmire
This one is over in record time. Frylock has eye beams for crying out loud! Quagmire is reduced to ashes before he can drop his pants.
Winner: Frylock

Coming up next, Round 2!

[GQ37]

Round 2:

Bender v. Homer:
Bender appears to have the upper hand and is kicking Homer's big fat yellow butt all over Springfield. But then as they crash through the door to Moe's Tavern Homer grabs a can opener and a corkscrew and literally opens a can of whoop @$$. Bender is reduced to a pile of scrap metal, which Lisa then recycles and gets $5.00 for it down at the recycling center.
Winner: Homer

Frylock v. Stewie:
The battle of the geniuses! Stewie quickly counteracts Frylock's eye beams with a refractor shield. As he tries to formulate another plan Stewie freezes him in carbonite. Shake and Meatwad try to interfere, but Stewie distracts them with some shiny objects. Then he blasts Frylock's frozen carcass into a million little pieces.
Winner: Stewie

Coming soon:
The exciting conclusion!

[R.I.P.selmeromega]

i'm listening to aida, it is draining my AS creativity.

but my bets are on frylok

*i know the truth*

[GQ37]

Round 3!!!:

Homer v. Stewie:
On paper this looks like it should be a slaughter. However, Homer has a history of being incredibly lucky. Will his luck hold today? Let's find out. Stewie is unable to get a bead on Homer with his plasma ray due to his constantly being pelted with empty beer cans and donut cartons. Finally, he gets off a shot! But no, he missed and now Lenny and Carl have been fused into some kind of hideous 2 headed creature. As Stewie is cursing them both for being in the way his mouth is suddenly filled with a chocolate sprinkle donut. Homer moves in for the kill, and...
falls flat on his face. However, he lands right on top of Stewie crushing his tiny body and killing him instantly.

And the winner by total annihilation....the Springfield Spartan.....HOMER SIMPSON!!!!!!!

[R.I.P.Zipper]

Thank you for the comentary. Didn't you write the Celestine Prophesy?

[GQ37]

Maybe I did, I can't keep track of it all anymore.

:uts on his coat and stumbles out into the dark and lonely night::

[GQ37]

And what truth is that? ;-)

[Glitch]

Fantastic. Your're good at this. Shall I put a new set of characters for you to play out?
Team1
Kenny(SouthPark)----------
Dad(The Oblongs)----------

team2 ---------------------------
Carl(ATHF)----------------
Homer(The Champ)----------


team3
Brian(family guy)---------
Santa's Helper(simpsons)--

team4 ---------------------------
Lupin(LT3rd, no gun)------
Zenigata(LT3rd,has handcuffs)-


This is a 2v2 match, include both characters in your fights.

Edited 6/24/2003 9:06:52 PM ET by Glitch

[GQ37]

This one will be a little tougher, I've only seen Lupin a few times, but here we go.

Round 1:

Kenny McCormick & Bob Oblong v. Carl & Homer:
Oh lord! This one ain't gonna be pretty. The teams pair off with Bob flinging his torso at Carl's gut and Kenny giving Homer the finger. Carl let's out a loud OOF! as Bob makes solid contact, but now he's in trouble, he's laying flat on his back with no way to get himself back upright. Carl gets up and bellows "I'll kill you now! You freakin' stump you!". He grabs Bob and holds him under water in his pool while Shake floats by completely oblivious to everything going on around him. Meanwhile Homer is trying to strangle Kenny, but due to his stubby fingers and Kenny's thick parka he only succeeds in making breathing difficult. Then suddenly Carl flings Bob's liefless corpse at Kenny. He misses, knocking Homer silly. Before Kenny is able to seize the opportunity he is tragically run down by Otto's school bus. From somewhere in the distance a cry of "Oh My God! They killed Kenny! You Bad Words!" is heard.
Winners: Homer & Carl

Brian & Santa's Little Helper v. Lupin & Zenigata:
Some might think that Brian's being a talking dog would give his team an edge, but he's still just a dog, and Santa's Little Helper is pretty dumb even for a dog. Again the teams pair off, sort of. Brian lines up opposite Lupin, and Santa's Little Helper ... well ... Santa's Little Helper chews on his butt while Zenigata pounces. He quickly puts the beloved Simpson pet down with a police choke hold. It's over in seconds, and now we're down to 2 against one. Brian hasn't been doing to well. Lupin has been kicking his drunken, furry butt all over the field. As Zenigata prepares to join in Lupin delivers the final blow, and it's over. The humans confirm their position at the top of the food chain. However as Lupin starts to celebrate Zenigata puts the cuffs on him and shouts "I've finally got you Lupin!"
Winners: Lupin and Zenigata, sort of.



Edited 6/28/2003 12:24:20 AM ET by GQ37

[GQ37]

Round 2:

Homer & Carl v. Lupin & Zenigata:
The Final Battle! Carl takes advantage of Lupin's being handcuffed and administers and old fashioned Philly beat down. Zenigata begins wailing on Homer, but the Champ is no stranger to police brutality. As his eyes swell shut he slurs, "You're good, but you're no Chief Wiggum!". The battle seems pretty even with one member of each team gaining an advantage over the other, until.....
Bart, seeing his dad in trouble, decides to interfere. He knows Homer's secret weapon and tosses him a can of Duff. In a Popeye like fashion Homer miraculously recovers and gives Zenigata the thrashing of his life. Now, feeling victory is within their grasp, Homer and Carl crack another beer and finish the match by smothering their opponents in their sweaty man flab. Lupin and Zunigata struggle and scream like little girls, but to no avail. In a few moments it's all over. As Carl looks over the field of battle he says "Homer you're kid is pretty smart there. He knew how to bring you back." Homer replies "Yes, Lisa is very smart." To which Carl answers "No, I meant your boy there." Homer looks at Carl and laughs, "No, no Lisa is a girl not a boy. Heh, heh, heh." Carl responds "Oh right, I forgot that you're a freakin' idiot and all." And the sun sets on our two fat, sweaty, American heroes.

The Winners and Grand Champions of the World!: Carl & Homer

[GQ37]

I'd like to see these battles animated. I pictured them in my head as I wrote them, but seeing them done and voiced by the real artists would be awesome. Ah, to dream of what will never be.

Edited 6/24/2003 9:53:06 PM ET by GQ37

[Glitch]

HAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!
Philly beat down!

P.S. you up for another? I gott think of more comedy characters.

[GQ37]

sure why not, as long as they are comedy, I don't know the animes

[Glitch]

Homer, gone mad with power after winning the dark tournament two times in a row, forms an evil legion of cartoon rejects to do his bidding. But deep in the swamp of solitude a hero rises up! It's Birdman, and after divorcing his new ape wife, he is ready to drop ten thousand pounds of penal punishment on the yellow madman!!!
On Homers team of evil-doers,
-G.I. Joe, a mercenary hired by the evil Homer.
-A disgruntled pikachu who is angry about losing his job.
-Ein, a dog that gets no respect and isnt going to take it anymore!!!
-Robin, now a gay 30y/o man, wants everyone to feel his pain of being batmans sidekick.
-Stewie, wished back by the dragonballs, seeks revenge on homer for littleraly smashing his dreams of world domination!!!


Now you, the noble birdman must select your own band of cartoon characters and combat the evil doers!!! The fate of the world is in your hands.

p.s. choose 5 characters to combat the evil and match them up 1v1 how ever you choose. Good luck! You should have 6 including Birdman


Edited 6/24/2003 10:42:37 PM ET by Glitch

[GQ37]

Ok, this is gonna take a while though.

[R.I.P.yahiko]

why would it be called dark tournament

[Glitch]

Because they are killing eachother of course.

[GQ37]

OK! Here's the team and the match-ups. Sorry for the delay, but a friend had an emergency, I had to help her with. Anyway here goes:

Joining Birdman are:
-The Tick. He is mighty! The big blue (and really dense) superhero from the show of the same name is back and ready for JUSTICE!
-Orko from He-Man. After losing his job as court magician do to getting drunk and turning the q.ueen into a five legged frigglesnort, he hit the skids. After 5 years of heavy drinking he's back and ready to fight some evil!
-Dante Hicks from Clerks. He's a high school graduate who works in a convenience store in Jersey and ... well ... that's about it really. But he's thwarted the evil genious, Leonardo Leonardo before, so he decided to join up.
-Captain Planet. No longer a super hero due to *ahem* "allegations of improper behavior" by some of the planeteers, he's ready to get back on the track to goodness! Sure he's a little out of shape, and out of practice, but he's ready to get back on that horse.
-Lisa Simpson. Disgusted by her father's reign of terror, she feels she must do SOMETHING to stop him. And this is it.

The battles will be as follows:
Stewie v. Lisa
Robin v. Captain Planet
Ein v. Dante
Pikachu v. Orko
G.I. Joe v. The Tick

and in the finale Homer v. Birdman

Who will win? Stay tuned to find out.

Edited 6/24/2003 11:34:54 PM ET by GQ37

Edited 6/24/2003 11:35:41 PM ET by GQ37

[R.I.P.Chibi_007]

Your thinking process never ceases to amaze me!

Go GQ Go!!!

While I expand my mind with thoughts of whether or not AI’s are alive on one post...I shall inflate my already overactive imagination on this...Woo-hoo!


And I'm rooting for Stewie!

[GQ37]

And away we go!

Round 1:
G.I. Joe v. The Tick
The Tick bounds onto the scene with his usual zest for life, meanwhile Joe is picking out the most strategic spot on the battle field. As Tick admires a woodpecker talking on a telephone, Joe pulls out his laser rifle and opens fire. In true G.I. Joe fashion his shots don't come within a country mile of his target. He completely destroys the terrain around the Tick, but he doesn't connect with a single shot. The Tick still hasn't noticed him yet, but the woodpecker has. He yells out "Do you mind! I'm on the phone long distance to Atlanta!". Joe gets in his tank and opens fire. The tree the woodpecker is in is completely destroyed, but the Tick is once again unscathed. Now G.I. Joe has got his opponents attention. The Tick let's out a might yell "SSPPOOOOONNNN!!!!" and launches himself at the tank. Joe fires more shots and still can't seem to hit a lake if he were standing on the bottom. The Tick lands with a stunning *CRUNCH* into the tank completely crippling the vehicle. Joe comes out for one more try. However the Tick will have none of it and crushes his skull with one mighty blow! After the battle, the Tick wonders aloud "Now what happened to that talking bird?"
Winner: The Tick!

Ein v. Dante Hicks:
Dante looks unto Ein, and Ein looks unto Dante, and neither likes what they see. Dante says "So, you're a dog huh? You know, Caitlin Bree had a dog that looked just like you....AAAGH!" At this moment Ein has firmly clamped down on Dante's privates. This causes Dante to exclaim "Now I know how Han Solo must have felt when he was being tortured by Darth Vader on Bespin!" Having enough of the strained Star Wars references and referrals to lost loves, Ein moves up to his throat and thankfully rips it out. Bringing the battle to a gruesome, but merciful end.
Winner: Ein

To be Continued...

[Glitch]

Cool The Tick what a funny character!

What show was the other guy from?

[Glitch]

Bump.

[R.I.P.brakster]

I wish brak would man up and kick bully braxtons a ss! Then he otta waste zorak for G.P.s! Teach that bug some respect.

[GQ37]

Ready for more?

Stewie v. Lisa:
Having been made into the living dead Stewie has a chip on his shoulder so Lisa's in real trouble here. As Stewie gazes at Lisa with his now glowing red eyes, she trembles in fear. Then she remembers the teachings of Buddha. She pauses to meditate and find her center. Stewie is perplexed, "What the Deuce?! I say, why aren't you fighting?" Lisa replies "I'm a Buddhist, we don't believe in violence. We believe in tolerance and understanding. I will not fight you." "A noble belief my dear," Stewie replies, "I am familiar with the teachings of Siddhartha Buddha. I have studied his teachings well. May you find inner peace, ... as you're BURNING IN HELL!" He then burns her to a crisp with a flame thrower. "Hasta La Vista, Baby!"
Winner: Stewie

Robin v. Captain Planet
Robin prances onto the field of battle wearing a purple tank top stretched over his substantial gut and pink hot pants. Captain Planet has scene better days, his hair is long and dirty and he has a five o'clock shadow. Robin sees his opponent and yells with a lisp "YOU! You ssuper heroess are all the ssame! Once your ssidekicks get to old you jusst kick them to the curb! Well, I'm not gonna take it anymore!" To which Captain Planet replies "You sound just like my Planeteers. I loved them, I loved them all. I didn't do those things they said, I swear it!" "LIAR!" Robin yells and flings a rainbow colored boomerang straight for Captain Planet's head. Captain Planet flies straight up into the air and dodges the projectile. He then calls forth a blast of water that drenches Robin who shrieks in response "You've ssoaked my clothess!! I'll scratch your eyes out!" He flings a rope and snags Captain Planets ankle intending to pull him back down to the earth. However he underestimated Captain Planet's strength. Captain Planet flies even higher into the air. Then, he calls out "The Power is Your's!" and does a 180 degree turn back towards the ground. The effect is like cracking a whip. Robin's limp wrist can't hold onto the rope and falls the 200 feet to the ground breaking every bone in his body. Captain Planet weeps when he realizes what he has done.

Winner: Captain Planet

Still more to come....

Edited 6/25/2003 12:56:53 AM ET by GQ37