Guess what I got?
That's right. An exhibition match.
Tonight's fight pits Alvin the Chipmunk vs. Rocky the Flying Squirrel
Tonight's guest announcer, David Hasselhoff announces the fighters as they enter the now halfway reconstructed Thunderdome. (Keep sending your loose change our way, people. Every little bit counts) Alvin is dressed in his prison fatigues and Rocky is sporting full on pimp gear. The two rodents eye each other balefully and take thier corners. Let's join our ringside correspondent for a pre-fight interview.
Ringside correspondent: Well, Mr. the Chipmunk, what made you decide to participate in tonight's Dark Tournament of Comedy match?
Alvin: Court order.
RC: Oh, indeed? What were you convicted of?
Alvin: Aggreivated assault.
RC: Do tell.
Alvin: Let's just say that Dave has gotten a little too pushy for a band manager. Who does he think he is? Suge Knight?
RC: I see. So the punk had it comin'?
Alvin: You da** right.
RC: Thanks for your time.
RC: So, Mr. J. Squirrel, what brings you to the ring this evening?
Rocky: That little bi**h needs to be taught a lesson.
RC: Oh? Why is that?
Rocky: Bi**h didn't give me my money.
RC: Do you mean to say that Alvin is a member of your stable?
Rocky: What you think it means, bi**h? 'Course he is. Punkass was out turnin' tricks last night and didn't bring me my green. I best be seein' some Benjamins before this night is through.
RC: I see. And why the career change? What made you decide to stop being a pilot and start being a pimp.
Rocky: Once that dumbass moose checked into rehab, I remembered just how much I loved the game, baby. All I love is my guns and dead presidents.
RC: There you have it, folks. Two bitter rivals determined to fight to the death for your amusement.
The bell rings and the two fighters lunge at each other. Alvin quickly whips out a shiv and takes a swing at Rocky. The fuzzy tailed rat is far too fast for the annoying chipmunk, however, and neatly diverts the blow. Rocky takes flight and begins circling at the top of the thunderdome. Alvin seems stymied. He begins singing selections from the Chipmunks greatest hits collection. It seems to be working. Rocky can't stand the awful renditions of Beach Boys songs and prepares for a divebomb attack. Alvin keeps his cool as Rocky gains momentum. The dive begins and before you can say "Stupidest DT of C fight," one of the gold chains around Rocky's neck catches on a half completed girder.
This unexpected development wreaks havoc with the plans of the felonic chipmunk. Alvin mistimes his attack and winds up falling on his own shiv. The impromptu weapon pierces his belly and makes his way up to the left atrium, easily ending the life of the planet's most annoying rodent. A lone tear slides down the cheek of a morbidly obese Theodore. Simon looks on, horrified, his gay lover clenching his paw.
Rocky, meanwhile is trying desperately to free his unprotected throat from the gold chain slowly choking him. Bullwinkle, wheelchair bound, an IV tube sticking out of his arm, shouts, "Hey Rocky, watch me pull a hacksaw out of my hat." Rocky can only manage to gurgle out," That trick? That trick never wor.." before expiring of asphyxiation.
Winner: Draw. The only winner here is anyone who agrees with me that disease-carrying vermin have no buisness being cartoon characters.
But it seems the action is not over yet. The Dark Commisioner of Comedy is coming my way. I wonder what he has to say.
Dark Commissioner of Comedy: Are you the one known as verpetas?
verpetas: Yes, sir.
DC of C: Are you aware that you have been having illegal fights in this only partially reconstructed thunderdome?
verpetas: No, sir.
DC of C: Under Dark Tournament bylaws, OSHA must inspect the fighting facilites thoroughly before any fight can take place. This thunderdome is a hazard to the health of the fighters.
verpetas: You do, of course, understand the idiocy of such a statement. The condition of the fighting arena is the least danger to the fighters. The greatest being the other fighter. You do understand that this is a fight to the death, don't you?
DC of C: This last fight demonstrates the fallacy in your arguement. There was no clear winner in this bout. The shoddy condition of this thunderdome is clearly responsible for the demise of two beloved cartoon characters. You are under arrest.
verpetas: WHAT? You can't do this! You fascist pi...
But before I can utter another syllable, I find myself bound, gagged and thrust into the back of a 1973 Vespa.
Bullwinkle pulls a lion out of his hat which promptly runs amok, eating two dozen smurfs and a handful of pokemon before being captured by animal control.
Winner: The good people at the ASPCA. Won't you adopt a pet today?
verpetas arrested? Stay tuned for more on this exciting new development.
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