The Swim Archive

[R.I.P.ThePenguinMurder]

FACTS:
Penguins eat millions of fish every day, many of these fish are probably minnows.
Minnows are very tiny and cute.
Penguins can not fly.
Flying is cool.
Penguins can not pick up objects (including Bibles and Educational materials).
Penguins have sharp beaks, which are extremely dangerous and could most likely be used for hurting babies.
Penguins hate freedom. The proof? They don't live in America, they live in a snowy place, probably covering up a missle silo.
Penguins are stupid. Have you ever met a penguin scientist or doctor? Me neither, strange.


UNCERTAINTY
Why do penguins **bleep** so much? What makes them want to hurt minnows? Minnows are cute. If God didn't intend for them to be massacred, why did he make it so easy? WHAT IS THEIR PURPOSE FOR BEING EVIL?


DECISION
They must be stopped! There is no way that I can call myself a good human being while I sit idly by and allow penguins to flap around like male reproductive organs.


CONVERSION
What about you? Will you answer the call? Is your trigger finger itching for black white and red penguin carnage? Mine sure as hell is. Will you kill these dirty penguins? Or are you a black and white hearted penguin lover? One of them. One of the enemy.


ACTION
Rally the troops, penguins must be killed before they kill us! Grab your guns and bombs, or buy some. Get on the next plane to the Arctic Circle or the South Pole. Rain hell like mad on their wangy little minnow-sacrificing cult meetings. Don't spare the females and eggs. Make them pay, make them pay for what they are probably planning to do to your family and country!


COMPENSATION
Not enough that you probably saved the world? Well guess what? Penguin skin can be sold for a lot of dollars on the black and white market. Hot Eskimo chicks LOVE penguin hunting guys, and tight bodied Eskimo guys love ladies who can cook them some juicy penguin meat recipes (available in the new cookbook "Dirty Demonic Disgusting and Delicious: A Guide To Penguin Eats), they'll be all up on you like ugly on penguins.


MINNOWS
Minnows are tiny and have big mouths and little eyes. They are very cute.




Now you know, and knowing is half the murder. The PENGUIN Murder!

[aeternus_flammus]

....

[Pozerking]

all i knows is that emu's are evil.

Why?  Because they're from australia.  And anything from a continent with THAT many deadly venomous things has to be evil (spiders, snakes, lizards, hell even some of the birds and mammals)

[kivaturi]

Classic British Joke:

British Man Entering Australia (to customs officer):  So then, is that it?

Customs Officer:  Almost sir.  Have you committed any crimes prior to entering our fine country?

British Man:  I didn't know it was still required.

[R.I.P.vash3006]

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ThePenguinMurder wrote:
FACTS:
Penguins eat millions of fish every day, many of these fish are probably minnows. They deserve it.
Penguins are very tiny and cute.
Penguins can not fly. Flying is overrated. Besides, penguins don't need to fly, they're too cool.
Flying is overrated
Penguins can not pick up objects (including Bibles and Educational materials)!!! This means they can't be corrupted by the ideals of man.
Penguins have sharp beaks, which are extremely dangerous and could most likely be used for hurting babies. Babies are tasty.
Penguins hate freedom. The proof? They don't live in America, they live in a snowy place, probably covering up a missle silo. Not all penguins are communists.
Penguins are stupid. Have you ever met a penguin scientist or doctor? Me neither, strange. I have.


UNCERTAINTY
Why do penguins **bleep** so much? What makes them want to hurt minnows? Minnows are cute. If God didn't intend for them to be massacred, why did he make it so easy? WHAT IS THEIR PURPOSE FOR BEING EVIL? They aren't, they're cute flightless penguins that don't shoot guano your way from above. Pigeons do this, THEY are the enemy.


DECISION
They must be stopped! There is no way that I can call myself a good human being while I sit idly by and allow penguins to flap around like male reproductive organs.


CONVERSION
What about you? Will you answer the call? Is your trigger finger itching for black white and red penguin carnage? Mine sure as hell is. Will you kill these dirty penguins? Or are you a black and white hearted penguin lover? One of them. One of the enemy. Yup.


ACTION
Rally the troops, penguins must be killed before they kill us! Grab your guns and bombs, or buy some. Get on the next plane to the Arctic Circle or the South Pole. Rain hell like mad on their wangy little minnow-sacrificing cult meetings. Don't spare the females and eggs. Make them pay, make them pay for what they are probably planning to do to your family and country! No

COMPENSATION
Not enough that you probably saved the world? Well guess what? Penguin skin can be sold for a lot of dollars on the black and white market. Hot Eskimo chicks LOVE penguin hunting guys, and tight bodied Eskimo guys love ladies who can cook them some juicy penguin meat recipes (available in the new cookbook "Dirty Demonic Disgusting and Delicious: A Guide To Penguin Eats), they'll be all up on you like ugly on penguins. Baby leather is worth much more, and it's sexier on eskimo women.


MINNOWS
Penguins are tiny and have big mouths and little eyes. They are very cute.




Now you know, and knowing is half the murder. The PENGUIN Murder!

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[R.I.P.voltaires_apprentice]

Why!! you are insulting the catholic church! Their penguins dont eat babies... but they cant fly either... so i guess it equals out.

Oh the horror!!!

[Xine]

What about ostriches? They're flightless birds with sharp baby-killing beaks, too.  And I have yet to meet an ostrich doctor or scientist.  Plus, they live out on the savannah, probably covering up the real missile silos! 

Point?  Ostriches = bad, Penguins = not as bad, because they're smaller and slower-moving.

[SwimMod_Poseidon]

Someone keep a running stat tracker of how many people catch the parody and how many people call it spam...

Anyway, their being flightless just makes them more graceful swimmers.  Have you ever seen a penguin swim?  It's like poetry.

[R.I.P.ThePenguinMurder]

Yeah, angsty Emo girl poetry!

(Someone on these boards understands a joke! wow....)

[SwimMod_Poseidon]

Irony, parody, and sarcasm don't translate well on the boards.  They're often missed.

                                 Caught the parody      Failed to

funny looking kid                                                  X

[R.I.P.Pogo_Penguin_Killer]

Power to the penguins. "Remeber if it aint black and white, peak, scratch, and bite."          ~Great Words of Bender~

[R.I.P.vash3006]

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FrickinDwightMan wrote:

Irony, parody, and sarcasm don't translate well on the boards.  They're often missed.

                                 Caught the parody      Failed to

funny looking kid                                                  X

vash3006                              X

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[R.I.P.funny_looking_kid_]

thepenguinmurder and his lameness.  how i despise

FACTS:

he is stupid. Have you ever seen him when he isnt being a geek, or an idiot? Me neither, strange.

i think that's enough abuse, either that or im way too lazy, or not creative enough to write more

[R.I.P.Black_Knight_]

Well, we all know they are evil. Penguins killed off the dinosaurs, and they hunt the endagered whales. Evil I say.

Message Edited by Black_Knight_ on 07-10-2004 12:53 AM

[KaptKrunch]

But, penguins walk in that crraaazzy way, which makes me giggle and say, "cute widdle pengy wengy." So no, I disagree with you.

[R.I.P.mrdepressed1]

u r now on my black list... if i had one

[R.I.P.ThePenguinMurder]

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mrdepressed1 wrote:

u r now on my black list... if i had one

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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somehow I knew this was going to be a bad day.

(Put caps in pengy.)

[R.I.P.mrdepressed1]

u r up there with bill clinton hypothetically just in case

i luv penguins

[SwimMod_Poseidon]

I love bill clinton.  And I love penguin murderers.  Damned nuns.

[kivaturi]

Damnit I'm torn.  I like Bill Clinton, and I like penguins.  But I also like killing penguins!

Noooooooooooooooo!!!!

[R.I.P.ThePenguinMurder]

Ooh! Idea that will cover all bases! You can kill penguins then later deny it in court! It sounds like a bad idea, but if you're cool about it, only conservative Christians will ever care.

Message Edited by ThePenguinMurder on 07-10-2004 02:54 AM

[Pozerking]

what is your stance on Puffins?  are they accecptable?  they're like the penguins of the north...but able to fly...and much more adorable.

[Kolarian]

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Pozerking wrote:

and much more adorable.

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So true, I have a little shrine dedicated to Puffins.. I collect the feathers and the cracked eggshells of their newborns.. they're so cute..

[kivaturi]

I think the most relavant question is whether or not the eggs of these so-called "puffins" make delectable omlettes.  If so, kill em all!

[SwimMod_Poseidon]

I think the cuter something is the more delicious it is.  Rabbit?  Delicious.  Spider?  Not delicious.  Cow?  Sort of delicious.  See...direct correlation.  I've been thinking about becoming a vegetarian though....