It's basically this..
I die, I go to the 'master control room' (heaven, whatever), which is timeless, and stuff in the Earthly universe is basically stopped completely until I decide what further to do. Once I'm out of here perhaps it will all make a lot more sense and I'll just want to leave Earth alone or throw down some dinosaurs or something.
Not much seems to happen while I'm actually here, though. I am somehow still generally afraid of dying, but the utter lack of anything that seems interesting to me is making me insane.. and working at jobs, talking to people with any regularity, etc ('society') just doesn't appeal to me.. it never really did, I was just afraid of not doing them before, starvation, homelessness, death, basically.
I doubt that I'll even last until December 12, 2012 (is it Dec 21? something like that..), but maybe once I'm dead I'll decide to throw down some stuff then just cuz it would all be so MesoAmerican.
Other options include me dying and being locked up somewhere for a while due to being naughty (although at least it would be something new), me being a mere angel among super-angels etc, or not even that, or me instantly merging with the 'grand consciousness' and this whole Earth thing just seeming like some weird dream that only made sense at the time (or perhaps everything making sense all the time).
The whole thing is, at some point, death, no matter what it holds, has to be better than what I'm experiencing now, and what I've always known as far as I can remember, even if it is scary, might make people sad, etc.
I'd like to say that someone somehow can help me, but I can't think of how, and I've tried appealing to God/gods/the universe in general for help and it hasn't shown up yet, except I keep getting some idea that I should 'get a job' except I've hated every job I've ever had and none of the ones I've seen on monster.com the paper etc ever appeal to me. I really just don't like it here. WTF am I supposed to do about it. And somehow capitalism seems like a bad idea to me, especially with these endless bailouts and all the nonsense that happens forever, yet I can't think of anything better, because I really don't trust people, what with them constantly f'ing me over in various ways. Did I mention that I've never really liked it here
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